Edit "What's your Totem?"

Dad had begun to ask me what my "totem" was, even before I visited Pittsburgh. He explained that a totem was an animal that one identifies with in some way. He and Mom had seen a man speak about communicating with animals. They both agreed that he was the greatest speaker they had ever seen. In his first mention of totems, Dad said his was the wolf. So at first I did not realize that one could have more than one totem. I could not tell him what my totem was because I had not really identified with one particular animal for a very long time.

He told me more about totems when I was in Pittsburgh, explaining that the hawk was also his totem. He recognized that what we first identify with in a totem may be what is generally thought to be true of an animal, but may not actually be true. For instance, he identified with the wolf in part because he saw it as being a loner. But then he learned that wolves are pack animals. He identified with the hawk because of its global, high-above vision which can encompass everything at once, in contrast to a vision which can only focus of a few details at a time. He thought that he could overcome his difficulties being organized and covering all details of a situation by becoming more like the hawk.

On the day that we took our long walk on the Montour trail, as we usually do when I visit, Dad hoped to see a hawk. I did not think we would because so often the trees alongside the trail mostly obscure the sky. Neither of us noticed a hawk on that trip, although we both saw some hawks the next day (see the "Bicycling" section).

Despite Dad asking me what my totem was, I honestly could not think of a single animal with which I strongly identified. I asked whether my totem could come from the plant world, giving then example of the tree. He thought that would be OK. But the tree still did not capture what in nature I most strongly identified with. I told him that I thought I identified more strongly with the whole of nature than with any single component. I admired the complex interactions of each species with the other and with the whole.

I had heard about various subsets of knowledge about ecosystems. My husband Ian knew a bit about how the different species of trees interact within the forest. I had read a book by Barbara Kingsolver about a woman forest ranger who knew a lot about wild animals and plants, and about an old man who understood what many had forgotten about trees and the susceptibility of any monoculture to disease. I had also read the influential book "Silent Spring", by Rachel Carson. This book is said to have helped launch the environmental movement which urges us all to pay much closer attention to how what we do can harm our natural environment. Finally, I had spent many summer vacations in national parks and monuments, and had learned early about the importance of human visitors "leaving no trace".

Since the concept of the totem is, however, to choose individual animals, I thought that perhaps the mouse would suit me because of how tiny it is and how little trace it leaves of itself in the environment. I too wanted to exist in natural areas without leaving any trace of my presence, not interfering with natural processes. I also like the idea that the mouse might be able to easily observe without being detected.

Mom and Dad had obtained a book that was both an explanation of the totem concept and an encyclopedia of what many different animals signify. When I read the entry about the mouse, I realized that there were aspects of the totem concept that I would not understand unless I read more of this book. Each animal entry spoke in terms of that animal "coming into your life", and what the new presence meant. Typically, that "presence" meant that there was some quality of that animal that you now needed to pay attention to in your own life. The hawk entry specified that once the hawk "enters your life", it never leaves, unlike some other animal totems.

I was a bit confused, now, about how one should think of the totem. Dad had said that he'd always identified with the wolf, so I supposed, in the terms of the book, the wolf had "come into" his life a long time ago. I'd had animals come and go, perhaps not so much because I identified with them, but more because I admired and respected them. Perhaps these types of identification are really the same thing. Animals I'd loved in the past had been the horse, the wolf, the cow, the elephant, and the frog. I did not have a chance to look up any of these animals while I was in Pittsburgh.

Dad and I both agreed, after having read about the mouse, that it did suit me, but not for the reasons I had chosen. Dad spoke about feeling that he was a predator, in a metaphorical way, as is the hawk, in a very real way. Later, I thought that it was interesting that in real life my totem, the mouse, was easy prey for Dad's totem, the hawk. That concept did not fit any aspect of our relationship of which I am aware. I was not surprised that we'd shared an interest in the wolf. I think many who are not afraid of wolves are fascinated by them.

As for Miss Mouse - I think she has always been in my life, and will probably always be in my life. Like Dad, I would like to be more organized - I have already begun to become more organized and keep better track of details. However, I do not identify with the hawk. My journey towards organization might be like that of the burro - plodding along, one foot in front of the other. I have begun to plan my projects by laying them out step by step, in small manageable chunks. I have also been learning to be more organized in small steps. I don't care how long it takes me to get there, I just want to get there.

One animal I may need help from is the elephant, who supposedly "never forgets". One of my greatest problems with organization is that I constantly forget. Maybe there was a reason that Elephant came into my life at one time. Ironically, I forgot about him.
^ Pittsburgh - August 2004 < Traveling with a Canine Companion A Fiercely but Beautifully Aging Pet >